Choices can be a liberating and dangerous freedom. With any choice, I think thyself usually knows the best decision yet is influenced by surroundings and expectations. Logic vs emotion. Wants vs needs. Big or small, choices are the decisions that guide us forward. Short-term or long-term. Solicited or unsolicited.
So goes the merry-go-round of life. I love that in my current circus of life, any decision I make today can be easily changed tomorrow due to the non-demand of long-time commitment. It is what thrills me. It is what makes me want more. It is the life-blood of what keeps me going.
The roller-coaster ride of changing my mind four times on any given day makes me want to stand in que for the ride all over again. Yet I wonder why...since it has the same effect as the ride which makes your insides turn outside. You know the one I'm talking about. The amusement park can be a taunting and exhilarating joy ride which you can escape when the park closes. I suppose it's a thrill. I sense it's a comfort. I know it's staple.
I actually keep waiting for the day when enough is enough. Shouldn't I want the life that we lead outside the amusement park? Yes. Am I ready for that life again? No.
The tragic clowns are doing their magic. The battered elephants are performing their tricks. The unhealthy popcorn is hot and buttery. The obnoxious crowd is waiting with anticipation.
I extended my visa for another three months.
~ Jen ~
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Yeah, I know it's been a long time. The last couple weeks have not been so easy. You might think it's all kittens and kisses being in Asia but let me assure you that it's not. Sure, I eat street food for cheap...beers are basically free...life is pretty simple compared to that of the West. For as many simplicities and priviliges that exist here, there are just as many frustrations and temptations. The space between is where I strive to exist.
Seven weeks ago I accepted a job that I thought would be a good fit. I was wrong. A week ago I resigned. It was a dysfunctional environment that suffocated my intent for living in Asia. I wasn't happy doing what I was doing and I was unhappy for not going after what I originally came here to do. With a breathe of fresh air, I spent the last week enjoying Hanoi and catching up on sleep and relaxation. Today, I was told that my Visa situation may cause me to have to leave in six days. I pushed on for more points of information and feel assured that I can resolve it tomorrow...for a price. Will it be worth it? I would like to think so. But just like a 30 minute conversation that should take 5 minutes, so is the time it takes to see results of immaculate efforts.
I'm sitting in a bar at the moment because our internet at home has been shut off for the last three days because we weren't there to answer the door when the lady came knocking to receive payment. No one seems to know the amount we owe. The guesstimate we are given is sure to pad the pockets of an unknown enemy. We gave money to a woman I no longer work for to give to our cleaning lady who hates us because we constantly nag her to actually clean rather than whatever it is she thinks she does. Do I have another beer or go home and hope to have internet? Do I need internet? Yes, for what it is I really need to be doing at the moment.
Meanwhile, I'm pinching pennies and avoiding buying appropriate weather suitable for this Hanoi winter weather. After all, I'm unemployed again and prefer to spend my dollars on more entertaining investments. I realize this uncomfortable temperature of 60 degrees F is a far cry of what I would have in Chicago but my soul of Southeast Asia hinders me from accepting.
I treated myself to a burger tonight rather than cabbage soup at home.
I wonder if my laundry hanging on the sunless rooftop will be dry so I have something to wear tomorrow.
I just realized the other three people sitting at this table with me are playing online poker. Half the people in this tourist-area bar are Expats compared to tourists.
I wonder if the store ladies next door at home will hound me for beer bottles upon my return.
Should I walk for 30+ minutes without a jacket or hire a motorbike driver?
~ Jen ~
Seven weeks ago I accepted a job that I thought would be a good fit. I was wrong. A week ago I resigned. It was a dysfunctional environment that suffocated my intent for living in Asia. I wasn't happy doing what I was doing and I was unhappy for not going after what I originally came here to do. With a breathe of fresh air, I spent the last week enjoying Hanoi and catching up on sleep and relaxation. Today, I was told that my Visa situation may cause me to have to leave in six days. I pushed on for more points of information and feel assured that I can resolve it tomorrow...for a price. Will it be worth it? I would like to think so. But just like a 30 minute conversation that should take 5 minutes, so is the time it takes to see results of immaculate efforts.
I'm sitting in a bar at the moment because our internet at home has been shut off for the last three days because we weren't there to answer the door when the lady came knocking to receive payment. No one seems to know the amount we owe. The guesstimate we are given is sure to pad the pockets of an unknown enemy. We gave money to a woman I no longer work for to give to our cleaning lady who hates us because we constantly nag her to actually clean rather than whatever it is she thinks she does. Do I have another beer or go home and hope to have internet? Do I need internet? Yes, for what it is I really need to be doing at the moment.
Meanwhile, I'm pinching pennies and avoiding buying appropriate weather suitable for this Hanoi winter weather. After all, I'm unemployed again and prefer to spend my dollars on more entertaining investments. I realize this uncomfortable temperature of 60 degrees F is a far cry of what I would have in Chicago but my soul of Southeast Asia hinders me from accepting.
I treated myself to a burger tonight rather than cabbage soup at home.
I wonder if my laundry hanging on the sunless rooftop will be dry so I have something to wear tomorrow.
I just realized the other three people sitting at this table with me are playing online poker. Half the people in this tourist-area bar are Expats compared to tourists.
I wonder if the store ladies next door at home will hound me for beer bottles upon my return.
Should I walk for 30+ minutes without a jacket or hire a motorbike driver?
~ Jen ~
Monday, November 2, 2009
Wandering Mind
Random thoughts that won’t leave me alone this morning…
Elevator etiquette is non-existent.
A tiny donut shop I treated myself to this morning in the shopping center had four employees working in a 10 x 10 sq ft space. Only half that space was free for human occupancy.
I live in a civilized and fairly nice neighborhood for Hanoi yet in the mornings, men freely urinate on the sidewalk. They don’t even pause to free the space of splatter as I walk by. Parents even simply pull the down pants of their children to desiccate the street and sidewalk. Toilets are available very nearby.
Construction is going on next door to a street-side coffee shop that I pass by going to and from home. This tiny elderly woman was trying to go about her business and earn a living but apparently the construction guy thought she should move her little plastic tables and chairs out of his way. I missed the introduction of the altercation but was made aware of the situation via a plastic chair flying by my face. He proceeded to hurl all her chairs and tables including all coffee glasses and spoons into the street where they shattered in front of oncoming traffic. The sidewalk was full of patrons and pedestrians (mostly male). A guy sauntered up who I thought was going to help but all he did was check to ensure his car was not scratched and then sat back down at the neighboring coffee place. They were yelling and screaming and no one helped her or did anything. What to do?!
Two different nights while sitting on our rooftop, big rocks hurdled toward us from the dark park below.
The scratching noise I heard as I fell asleep last night was most likely cockroaches having a dance party in the corner of my room.
The fried bacon and 3 eggs covered with cheese is now considered a culinary delight for me.
~ Jen ~
Elevator etiquette is non-existent.
A tiny donut shop I treated myself to this morning in the shopping center had four employees working in a 10 x 10 sq ft space. Only half that space was free for human occupancy.
I live in a civilized and fairly nice neighborhood for Hanoi yet in the mornings, men freely urinate on the sidewalk. They don’t even pause to free the space of splatter as I walk by. Parents even simply pull the down pants of their children to desiccate the street and sidewalk. Toilets are available very nearby.
Construction is going on next door to a street-side coffee shop that I pass by going to and from home. This tiny elderly woman was trying to go about her business and earn a living but apparently the construction guy thought she should move her little plastic tables and chairs out of his way. I missed the introduction of the altercation but was made aware of the situation via a plastic chair flying by my face. He proceeded to hurl all her chairs and tables including all coffee glasses and spoons into the street where they shattered in front of oncoming traffic. The sidewalk was full of patrons and pedestrians (mostly male). A guy sauntered up who I thought was going to help but all he did was check to ensure his car was not scratched and then sat back down at the neighboring coffee place. They were yelling and screaming and no one helped her or did anything. What to do?!
Two different nights while sitting on our rooftop, big rocks hurdled toward us from the dark park below.
The scratching noise I heard as I fell asleep last night was most likely cockroaches having a dance party in the corner of my room.
The fried bacon and 3 eggs covered with cheese is now considered a culinary delight for me.
~ Jen ~
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